


Too much of a good thing (can sometimes be bad)

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Cravings, Fatherhood, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mentioned Lian Harper, Minor Roy Harper/Jade Nguyen, Multi, POV Roy Harper, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Past Relationship(s), Past Violence, Protective Jason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-24 20:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20020846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: All Roy's life, he had been forced to deal with the cravings, the yearning his body developed for the drugs and once he finally managed to forget about how good they made him feel, he looked for other things to get his high. Fighting. Sex. Jade. None of it worked for long. Not long enough to make him feel good. Not like drugs.But then he discovered that caring for a daughter who looked too much like him gave him the same sort of feeling as being high off his head with drugs, and that being loved by two people at the same time could make him feel on the top of the world, especially when only a few years ago he felt like he didn't deserve any of it.That's not to say he doesn't have his bad days, though.





	Too much of a good thing (can sometimes be bad)

**Author's Note:**

> I know this isn't really how it all happened, so I guess this is just my version of events haha. I'm really proud of this story so maybe try not to shit on it TOO MUCH but I'm really really proud of this haha.

Roy was a man who felt everything so strongly that it was sometimes a bad thing. He loved with everything he had and hated just as strongly. He was nothing if not a man with a personality.

Sometimes, that meant that when he found something he loved, something that made him feel _good_ , feel happy, he clung to it like air to a drowning man who didn’t know the air he was breathing was toxic until it was too late.

First, he found solace in drugs, in the tingle-burn-sooth of the mind-numbing peace, a peace he hadn’t felt in the real world for so long that the fuzzy, indescribable reality that the drugs dragged him to felt more like home than his own bed.

But despite it feeling good, too good, eventually it all started to turn bad once Oliver had realized that Roy was the reason his funds were depleting regularly and cut him off, once he found his way into the sewers in search of a new home other than the dark and dirty streets to be beaten every night only to be met by the deadly Killer Croc, once he discovered that if he didn’t get what he needed soon enough his veins would burn in the worst kind of ways that he realized his new happiness was very, _very_ bad.

After his body started giving up on him and he began to crave the high that the drugs gave him without any of the negative side effects, he started searching for something else. He found fighting.

Fighting was _amazing._ It was a new kind of high, a better one than the drugs ever gave him, and he was an expert at it. Oliver had taught him well and once he had hung up his childhood Speedy costume for good, he moved on to Arsenal and he made a new name for himself. One that felt like him- one that felt _right_.

And he was skilled at it, too. He was good at hiding in the cover of darkness and beating the crap out of any two-bit punk who deserved it. He’d always been good at it, even back when Ollie had picked him up of the streets he was already fending for himself, and he only improved from there, and he had always taken joy from it. It was an artificial high, not the real high he got from the drugs, but it still made him feel the same. It made him feel alive and like his air was worth breathing. If he punished somebody who hurt and stole and murdered innocent people who didn’t deserve any of it, then how could that be a bad thing? He was following in the footsteps of the Green Arrow, Nightwing, Batman, Superman- he was a _real_ hero.

But over time, the fighting stopped being fun, especially when he was forced to crawl into any dark corner he could find to lick his wounds and mend his ruined body. It was still fun, it always would be, but now that the high was gone, it mostly just _hurt_.

Then he met Jade. Jade Nguyen. The Cheshire Cat. And he didn’t think he loved her, not really, but she was attractive and alluring and enticing in all the right ways and Roy, the weak man that he was, just couldn’t resist her no matter how hard he tried.

After a while, her love turned cold and cruel and Roy left her when he had the chance because he knew he deserved more than to be treated like a chew toy, a plaything, even to a woman he might have loved one day and who could have loved him back.

Really, if he was being honest, he only stayed for the sex. She probably stayed for the same reason, not like he was all that experienced, but they were both wild and desperate and raw, so maybe that made up for it. But despite all her flaws, Jade always knew when Roy was having a down moment, an off day, and would bring him back into the light with the enticement of feeling alive again, and damn, did sex make him feel alive.

He got better over the years. He had to. You didn't live life as Roy did without learning a few things, developing a few skills, and one of his most useful skills was being a freak in the sheets. For a while, he loved it and loved what he could do, that he could return the favour for the people trying to make him feel good, but over time, that stopped being a reliable course of action. He was tired and grumpy, and sometimes sex just didn’t do it for him. Sometimes he didn't feel like dropping his pants to any attractive person with the anticipation of a good time.

So he was left at an impasse. No drugs, no fighting, no Jade, no sex. For a long while, longer than Roy would like to admit, he thought about going back to the drugs just because it was the easiest option, but he liked having a home and a life and not crawling through the streets looking for arrant money in the gutters just so he could get his next fix and maybe pay his bills if he was lucky.

Fighting still made him feel good, feel the rush and exhilaration of doing good and being good and teaching anyone who said otherwise a lesson they would never forget, but it wasn’t enough to get him what he needed.

Even when he sat down and decided to build his own stash of arrows, so technologically advanced and extraordinary that he could give Oliver a run for his money, it wasn’t enough, because Roy had always been smart and he always had a knack for building and inventing and creating, so even when they backfired while he was testing them for the first time or when he built something so dangerous that even he wouldn’t use it, he didn’t feel the rush that the drugs and even the fighting and the sex had given him. It was like a hobby. He could escape, but not in the right way. Not in the way he needed.

Some days, he missed Jade, and her wild ferocity to everything, but especially to the sex. And the kissing. And the maybe-love they both shared, but probably not. That was probably just him being hopeful and ridiculous. Who could ever love an ex-junkie who thought he could be a superhero but was just as messed up as the next punk slinking through the streets at night?

And then, one night, something magical happened.

Of course, Roy had known both Kori and Jason before. They’d worked together a couple of times. He basically grew up with Kori in the Titans and had developed great respect of the way she kicked people’s ass. Jason was his best friends little brother, and Roy had known him pretty much since he became Robin. He knew Dick first, of course, but he would never forget the excitable kid in the yellow and green pixie shorts jumping with him across rooftops as kids. Dick was his first friend, his best friend, but Jason was his first fellow side-kick partner.

It took a little while. Roy didn’t know what to expect and Kori had a giant alien spaceship on a beautiful beach with a sunset that glimmered across the water and Jason was just a hot chunk of man covered in scars and muscle and Roy was always willing to do whatever Jason asked of him.

Kori made the first move. She had always been beautiful, even when they were younger, but now she was _glorious_ and Roy didn’t know how to refuse. It was different than with Jade- Kori burned hot, her skin almost too warm to touch, and her lips were like fire against his skin. It burned him in a good way and for a moment, it was almost like the craving Roy had felt for most of his life was finally gone.

While Kori was all tender touches and blazing inferno, Jason was rough and gritty yet no less passionate. It had taken a while for him to come around, for him to want Roy as much as Roy wanted him, but when it finally happened it was like Roy was on a completely different planet. He had always fantasized about Jason Todd but he had never expected his lips to be as soft as they were.

And god, when they finally found a way to make the three of them work without it being awkward or scary or embarrassing, it was everything that Roy had ever needed and more. It took a little bit of getting used to but Jason was slightly reluctant, but almost like the sun rising over the ocean, their pieces clicked into place. Not just as lovers of three but as a team, a unit, a crime-fighting squad that could rival the Justice League or the Titans.

It had been everything he had ever wanted without knowing it.

For the first time, since Ollie, since Jade, Roy had felt _loved_. Actually _loved_. And he hadn’t known how much he needed, wanted it, craved it more than he had ever craved any drug, and now that he had it, _finally_ had it, he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. But whatever it was, he was going to be happy.

Then she came. The little bundle of joy left on his doorstep in a thick winter parker and multi-coloured blankets. She had Roy’s mouth and nose and Jade’s eyes and hair and Roy didn’t even care where she had come from or that Jade had kept her from him all this time, but he loved her more than he loved himself, and suddenly his heart was complete. It was only made for three people, anyway.

She was definitely Jade’s daughter, without a doubt, and maybe Jade didn’t want her for reasons unknown, but she was still her mother. The least Roy could do was give her a little bit of her mother that wasn’t genetical, a mother she may never know. Lotus flowers were always Jade’s favourite, so after a long while of consideration, Roy named her Lian, so she could always carry a part of her mother with her.

And thankfully, Jason and Kori loved her like their own and helped Roy raise her. Roy wasn’t the kind of man to ever replace Jade with Kori and tell Lian that she was her mother just because Roy was hopelessly in love with her. Jade would always be her mother. But Kori was an aunty and Jason was an uncle despite their relationship to Roy- Lian had dubbed them that the moment she learnt how to speak and they didn’t have the heart to change it.

For the first time in his life, Roy could honestly say that he was happy. He had a wonderful daughter that was a spitting image of him in all the best of ways and two amazing and wonderful people who loved him with all they had, and really, how could Roy ever want anything more?

Roy wouldn’t trade them for the world. Even when Jason had his bad days and he woke screaming from nightmares and all he could think about was his death at the hands of the Joker and the many hours of torture that came before it or Kori could hardly stand to keep her feet on the ground and the memories of her home became too much for her and they both retreated from him to be in the solace of their own minds, Roy would always love them, and he could never fault them, because he understood that anyone who went through as much trauma as they had was bound to carry some baggage.

And Roy was no stranger to having bad days.

Today… well. Today was one of his worst days.

He sat at the very top of the ship with his legs hanging over the edge and his head in his hands, overlooking the glistening ocean and the crystalline beach as Kori soared through the sky, her hair a bright, sparkling wave that left trails in her wake. They were on… well, not really a holiday, but they had given the hero’s at Gotham strict instructions not to call them unless they needed extreme amounts of help, so they retreated to the place that used to be their home before the Gotham outskirts for a little bit of well-deserved alone time.

She was beautiful in a way no one else was beautiful. She danced above the sea like a ballerina and swam through the air like she had been doing it all her life. Which, she mostly had. Roy liked to watch- liked to watch her in bed, liked to watch her through life and like to watch her when she didn’t know it. He liked watching her when she was at utmost ease the most.

But today… today he could feel the itching under his skin and the thumping at the back of his skull that told him that the craving was back, the craving he hadn’t felt in so long had come back with a vengeance. The back of his eyes stung like they were trying to crawl their way out of his face and his body tingled with the anticipation of the arriving pain he was used to.

Downstairs in the ship, Jason was babysitting Lian, letting her turn him into a princess or a pirate or a monster or whatever character she wanted that day. Maybe they were playing tea-parties, or hide and seek. Whatever they were doing, they were spending time with each other that they both deserved, and there was no way Roy was going to pull them away from each other just so Jason could hold him. Kori almost never got time to herself, never got to lose herself in the simple act of flying and soaring and being happy in her privacy, and Roy wanted her to be as relaxed as she could be, so she was out of the question as well. He was a big boy. He should be able to deal with his problems himself.

Deep inside his soul, he could feel something within him start to crack and his fingers began reaching for another cigarette to calm his craving before he remembered that had just finished his last one, the smoke curling up into the sky and the spark burning the ends of his fingers, and inwardly cursed himself. He should have known that fate wouldn’t let him be happy for long.

It felt like his insides were turning into liquefied mush and his brain was vibrating out of his ears to drip down the sides of his face. His whole body _hurt_ in such a way that it was all Roy could do to breathe through it. He felt like he was burning up from the inside and that his whole being was pulsating with pure agony. It never felt this way with the drugs, not for a while anyway, not until much later when he was crawling through the gutters looking for more, maybe giving it up was the worst idea in his miserable god damn life-

Two pairs of strong arms wrapped around his torso and a chin rested on his shoulder. The tan skin was scared and the careful, familiar fingers were calloused where they played with the drawstring of his hoodie, his breath wisping past his ear and Jason hummed against his skin. “What are you doing up here all alone, Roytoy?”

“Watching Kori,” Roy leant back into Jason’s torso and he took his weight with practised ease. “She’s beautiful when she’s alone. I mean, she’s beautiful all the time, but she’s a different person when she lets her guard down.” He laughed deep in his chest. “Not like she has any guards around us. Where’s Lian?”

“Asleep,” Jason mouthed against his skin. “She passed out after our fifth rotation at ‘Superheroes and Villains’, so I just tucked her into bed.”

Roy laughed, and he hadn’t realized how good laughter felt. It was always Jason and Kori who managed to surprise it out of him. “Superheroes and Villains? Who taught her that? I know for a fact it wasn’t me.”

“Cool your jets old man,” Jason said, his deep voice vibrating through Roy’s very soul and resting over him like a comfort blanket. “It wasn’t me. Or Kori either, for that matter. I think it was probably Dick the last time we left her at Bruce’s to babysit. Don’t worry- I’m pretty sure she only knows the peaceful villains. She didn’t even mention the Joker once. Which, in our world, is a blessing.”

Humming, Roy closed his eyes and leant further into Jason’s warm embrace, his rock in even his darkest of moments, and let Jason’s body heat warm him from the outside. He was lost in his own mind, his thoughts tangling around between darkness and light, and Jason broke it by kissing his neck. “What’s wrong, baby?” Jason said, voice low.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jaybird.”

Jason tightened his arms around Roy’s torso and all his breath left him in a rush. “You can’t lie to me, Roytoy,” Jason purred and Roy knew it was true. “I know how you get when you’re upset. What’s on your mind? I know it can’t be anything good if you’re up here all alone. None of us ever comes from any of us being alone with our thoughts.”

Biting his lip, Roy tried to focus on Jason’s steady heat behind him and the feeling of his hands running gently over his skin instead of on the familiar darkness that threatened to overwhelm him. If Kori were here, she would burn away the darkness with her blazing light of glory, but she wasn’t, she was soaring out over the ocean with her head in the clouds and her thoughts far, far away from Roy with the petty little problems that he didn’t deserve to have.

While Roy gathered the words to speak, Jason waited patiently and brought him back to the present by squeezing him tightly. Eventually, Roy sighed and spoke reluctantly. “Sometimes… it’s hard, you know? It’s hard to forget what it felt like. Hard to forget that I don’t need it anymore.”

“The drugs?” Jason asked, his voice rumbling through Roy’s core like an internal earthquake and damn, Jason always knew what Roy was trying to say, even when he was being vague.

“Yeah,” Roy admitted reluctantly. Jason reached a hand up and began playing with the long strands of his hair that fell over his shoulder. That was nice. “Sometimes I still get the yearning even though I haven’t had any of that shit in years, not since I was a stupid kid who didn’t know any better.”

Sighing, Jason rested his chin in the crook of Roy’s shoulder and in turn, Roy leant his head back until he was lying on Jason’s heavily muscled and scarred shoulder, his skin exposed to the world, and Roy had only just noticed that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. “Everybody gets cravings sometimes, Roy,” Jason said, voice open and filled with honestly. “Kori does. I do. Mostly the cravings are for you, though,” he joked and laughed into Roy’s skin. “But it’s alright for you to have moments. We all have moments. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Oh, Jay-baby,” Roy sighed and he wanted to cringe at the sound of his own voice. “I wish you could understand, but I’m really glad that you don’t.”

Humming again, Jason shifted so that he was holding all of Roy’s weight in one arm and looking him in the face at the same time. There was something sad in his face as he reached out and pushed a stray strand of hair out of his lover's eyes, and Roy hated that he put it there. “It’s alright to have moments of weakness, you know. You especially. You’re our rock. Without you, Kori and I would have broken long ago. If it weren’t for you comforting us through nightmares or panic attacks or being there while we got stitched up after patrol, we wouldn’t be the people we are now. You’re allowed to have your moments because God only knows we have enough of our own.”

He sounded so honest and genuine that Roy hated himself for a long moment. “I should be better,” he sighed, looking back out towards were Kori was willingly plummeting towards the waves. “I should be able to forget all about before and pretend it never happened but… I can’t. And I hate that I can’t.”

Jason paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to say before he spoke. “I’ve been around addicts and junkies all my life,” Roy flinched and before he could apologise Jason continued. “I know what happens to them, I know how hard it is for them to resist the call of the craving. But you Roy… you’re so different than them. You’ve raised a wonderful daughter. You’re a fantastic hero. You’ve got two people who love you with everything they have. That’s more than every other junkie I’ve met have had.”

“I just wish,” Roy sighed through his nose. “I just wish that I could get over it, you know? It’s been so many years, and I still get the cravings.”

“Well,” Jason said. “If there’s one thing I know from being tortured, killed, and brought back to life, it’s that you don’t have to get over it. You don’t have to move on. You just have to learn to live with it, and hope that over time, the pain gets easier.”

Roy rolled his eyes because Jason was always making jokes about his zombie habits, but he couldn’t help but agree. “You make it sound so easy.”

“Oh, it’s not,” Jason reassured and Roy had to laugh. “It’s really damn difficult. But you know, we’ll be here, by your side, and hopefully, that’ll make it easier. Give you something nice to look at while you struggle.”

Grinning, Roy gently pushed Jason away and he went without a fight, but there was a wild glint in his eye that took Roy’s breath away. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Jason shrugged. “We all know how much you liked to watch.”

“That’s not _fair_ , Jaybird.”

“Who the hell ever said anything about fair?”

With no choice but to laugh, Roy tossed his head back, his hair falling over his shoulders and down his back and chuckled so deeply that he could feel it in his belly, and even Jason joined it. “Oh, I see how it is,” he giggled like a schoolgirl, sounding a little bit like Lian, and rose his head again to look Jason in the eyes. Jason was licking his lips. “This whole heart to heart was just a ploy to get me into bed with you. How about we ask out Princess what she wants to do? You do know that you’re not the one who calls the shots around here, especially in bed.”

Roy had hardly finished speaking before two hot, familiar hands with long, purple manicured nails and glittering jewellery wrapped around his torso and pulled him flush against her, her long hair falling over his shoulder and pooling in his lap. “What’s going on here?” Kori purred against Roy’s ear and he shivered. “Are you two making arrangements without me?”

And then Jason was leaning forward and kissing him, his lips tasting like smoke and cupcake frosting, and Roy forgot all about the cravings that had plagued his mind for days. All he cared about was the kiss and this one, fleeting moment of peace.


End file.
